SB’s first Photo – 10 weeks

I’m nearly 20 weeks pregnant at the moment and nothing feels like it’s happening the way it should. It’s not as if I haven’t been here before – after all I have NOS, PT and PW – but with them, the pregnancies progressed in the same way that the books tell me they should.

I’m also still on SSRI’s. With PW, I took myself off them early on – I learned to never go cold turkey with SSRI’s or you’ll have horrendous withdrawal symptoms –  but this time I’ve had so much anxiety and huge mood swings that coming off them felt like a bad idea. So the Doctor swapped me to a different one. She says that they’re safe in pregnancy, but reading the leaflet that came with them, I feel more anxious about the affect on the baby than ever. I think I might call the midwife and talk to her about it.

I had planned to blog about being an Autistic and Pregnant, but I realised fairly quickly that what I experience isn’t all that different from what an Allistic experiences. On our family’s scale of 1 to 10  (1 being Allistic and 10 being full Autistic) I’m about a 2. The only difference I can see is that I am much more anxious about the small things in pregnancy than allistic women, which is why I still need the SSRI’s.

I’ve been reading through the “Emma’s Diary”, the book that every pregnant woman gets given when she has her first appt. It has a fictional account of a young woman’s first pregnancy. I spent a lot of the time laughing at the character’s naivety, mostly from the experience of my previous pregnancies and then I got to the week that I’m at and the character is talking about the baby moving, which I remember happening, I mean, last time with PW (or WB as she was known in the womb) I felt her moving at 18 weeks and she kept moving for the rest of the pregnancy. This time (mostly because I have a lot of dietary problems) I’m not sure if what I’m feeling is SB or just my usual stomach problems. I wish I could feel a definite movement!
I might be laughing about the character’s experiences (ironic really because I can remember feeling like that with NOS) but I’m more than a little jealous – she doesn’t have to worry about her teenage son getting to college on a public bus, or her toddler’s difficulty with potty training and she has friends who throw baby showers and go swimming with her. She also has all her family to support her – even with the irritating mother-in-law (I wish I still had a Mother-In-Law; she would have loved her grandchildren) and I’m all alone here…

*sigh*

I’m getting really anxious about the birth. I’ve had natural births with all my children, but something is whispering in the back of my mind, saying that something will go wrong. With NOS, the cord was around the back of his neck and he kept bungee jumping when I pushed. With PT, her labour was so fast, I didn’t even move off of Gas and Air… PW’s birth was mostly fine, but she refused to turn her head to come out, so I almost ended up having an emergency Caesarean, plus I had to have a blood transfusion afterward, due to being seriously anemic.
I don’t feel that I can go through a natural birth again… and I am considering an elective caesarian so that I don’t get the massive anxiety that happens when I start having Braxton Hicks. I just hope that the consultant lets me.

The last thing that is really bothering me is the state of the house. We still don’t have the money to finish sorting the floor out in our bedroom, to get curtains and poles or even to get a new cot or moses basket (I had to bin the last moses basket – it got mouldy in the attic at the last house and the cot is broken) for SB. I just want to get the house into a decent state before I am too big to be able to do anything. So I’m turning into a really whiny, nagging bitch on the subject…

So I stay “mum” – as in I don’t tell anyone how I’m feeling, and that’s not good. This post is the first time I’ve really looked at what’s bothering me. Not good.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.